Who am I, really?

It’s a question that we all ask ourselves, particularly at transformational points in life like adolescence and midlife, or when something traumatic happens that shakes our concept of our self. But rarely do we think about what exactly the self is. If pressed, most people would probably say the self is a collection of characteristics and beliefs, something that is developed over time but which reaches a permanency in adulthood.

As a student of Jungian psychology, I think about “the self” a bit differently. Carl Jung saw the self as the whole of the psyche - the conscious and unconscious – and the driving force of the unconscious, as the ego is the driver of the conscious. The fact that Jung made this a bit tricky to understand (how can something be the whole and a part?) hints at the idea that the self is not entirely defined and fixed. That it is both a person’s essence and the totality of their being – past, present and future.

A conversation with a friend this week made me think about the paradox of the self. This friend, like a couple of others, has recently been diagnosed with a form of neurodivergence as a result of their child first being diagnosed. As for many people, he felt the diagnosis was a relief, that it finally explained behaviours and challenges he had struggled with his whole life. The diagnosis gave a reason for these struggles and a potential way of overcoming them.

At the same time, he confessed that he found the diagnosis disconcerting because it made him question what is “him” and what is the condition. Behaviours and characteristics he had thought of as parts of his personality could now be explained as aspects of neurodivergence – and potentially changed with medication. If these things changed, was he still himself?

I’ve observed in many people a desire for, but resistance to, change. They may have the self-awareness to see the damaging, self-defeating aspects of their personalities. But they fear that if those are parts of their “self” they are unable to change them – particularly once they are adults.

I don’t subscribe to a particular school of thought about the self. In addition to Jung’s, there are various other psychological theories, as well as philosophical and sociological perspectives. Most hold some grain of truth. But what I do believe in, very strongly, is the power of altered states to help individuals both understand and to change the self.

Dreams are one important portal to the unconscious. Every night, the weird and wonderful things I dream provide insight into who I am, what I am – consciously or not – thinking about, worried about and working on within myself. They speak through personal symbols and archetypes - more universal, symbolic patterns or representations of fundamental human experiences – so we have to work to decode their messages. Doing this has helped me to see patterns in behaviour and places I get stuck, and often has provided me with solutions and the impetus to use them. I’ve had similar experiences during meditation.

Altered states induced by psychedelics can be even more transformational. They can make it easier to let go of preconceived notions of self, the wider world and our place in it. Personally, they have given me moments of clarity where I have seen what is truly me and what are aspects of ego I have built as defence mechanisms. They have also shown me another reality, where the world looks different and I look different, making it easier to think about changing both.

A person I recently guided on his first experience told me that afterwards he felt like his perception was less restricted by the usual anxiety loops and controlling tendencies. Others I have worked with have echoed those feelings, and added that this shift has allowed them to explore the roots of these feelings – and begin to accept that they are not simply aspects of their selves, which cannot be changed.

I usually suggest that first experiences should be open – to set an intention to explore the self but not to be more specific than that. Let your unconscious be the guide and see where it takes you. Subsequent experiences can be more focused, helping you to explore areas you feel need work and to build on previous experiences. This is why working with a guide can help you to get the most from your experience – to not only create a safe environment but to help you reach where you need to go and make sense of your experience.